


Of Tormented and Broken Minds

by Clover_Constantia



Category: JLHS, Jericho Light High School, Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, angst with plot, basically i can't rp properly so i default to writing shitty fan fics instead, i hate my character because i can't write her consistently, totally not bottling up feelings with this fanfic or anything
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:47:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29337786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clover_Constantia/pseuds/Clover_Constantia
Summary: Yeah uhhhh- I have zero self confidence in my RP skills so yeahhhh- I'm writing this now.
Kudos: 3





	1. Sick of LOVE

Pink and red was splashed onto every corner of every street. 

Glittery hearts were plastered on every window of every venue, signs displaying the Valentines day special for this coming weekend and encouraging couples to come with the promised couples discount. Clothing stores had outfits lined up at the front which consisted of various shades of pink, purple, red and white. Dresses and dress pants for customized, heart filled dates on the day of the 14th. Chocolates were on sale, or so the signs read, with heart shaped boxed offering a rose of your choice with every purchase. This was all disregarding the happy couples who were holding hands, strolling down the isles and talking excitedly about their plans for a romantic night under the wane of the moon from young and old, monster and human alike.

And all this, left a short skeleton girl feeling more lonely and isolated as ever.

She hated the hearts that littered every surface imaginable, her eye lights unable to escape their presence. She fought the urge to simply close her eyes and walk through the mall blind, favoring that over having to look at one more of those glittery, over exaggerated decorations. 

It seemed like this Valentines day, more than any other, was simply out to torture her.

Every heart she looked at, she saw the reflection of her dull, gray, drained soul in. The unsettling color that would surely drove anyone who looked at it off the edge of a cliff with how hideous it was. No soul should look like hers, it wasn't normal, it wasn't natural. It was just a warning label as to the broken shoddy mess of a person others would be getting themselves involved with. She believed people would take that warning, would stay as far as physically possible from her as they could if they ever gleaned the state of her soul. The only reason her friends were still around was because she dared not share with them what her soul looked like, what she looked like. 

This ugly pathetic excuse was the culmination of her being. 

And that was all before she even told them about the void that had settled in her since that night. Her inability to sense and tune into other people's souls since the loss of her soul trait. It bothered her greatly, for all her life she had been able to pick up exactly what other people could feel and use that to adjust herself to best suit their needs. But now, without that tell tale guide she was lost, beyond lost at what to do, how she should act, what she should think. And the inability now to even sympathize with others, to feel empathy and be empathetic, carved deep scars into her psyche.

How was she to live like this for the rest of her life? Being unable to connect with others, to feel others, to understand others? She could already feel the monster half of her soul start to crack under the strain. Monsters who needed to feel love, monsters who needed to feel hope, and monsters who needed to use magic.

The state of her soul ensured she could never feel real love or hope and the magic generated by her monster soul was sealed within itself by the broken vessel needed to use that magic, her human soul. The magic, left without anywhere to go combined with the lack of love and hope, would eventually crack and break her monster soul. And when that happened, she would die.

Her physical state was already giving her warning signs, the magic that once was so vibrant in her streaks of blue and green hair were no longer there. They pitifully dwelled at the very tips, a dark, twisted joke of their once vibrant hues. Her eye lights, now barely glowing inside her eye sockets were a murky greenish-gray, a reflection of the state of her soul. 

She had always been unsure of herself yes but now it was taken to a whole new level. It was self loathing. It was disgust at everything she was, it was the urge to punch every reflection that dared show her her own face, it was consuming her every thought, every action as she drifted further and further down a pit of no return with no wings to carry her back to the surface, back to the light.

And she had no one to talk to about any of this. 

Her friends she dared not utter a word to about how she struggled to sleep these past few days, how the few times she did manage to fall unconscious was because of the exhaustion that came with crying herself dry. She dared not tell a soul because she knew, she knew if she told them they would look at her with nothing but disgust. She knew if she told them they would surely all leave, the thought of having to deal with the mess she had become too big of a burden for anyone to bare. She knew if she told them, they would think her to be too dramatic, she was making a mountain of a mole hill. She knew if she told them and they found out how completely and utterly useless she was now, they would laugh at her. She knew if she said anything, no one would ever want to interact with the broken shell of a person she was becoming. They would be so filled with complete and utter distain for her mere existence she would not be surprised if they turned around to mock her. 

She knew she deserved it.

Why would anyone care for her? Love her? When she could not find even a single reason to love herself? What would anyone see in her? She felt so hopeless that she was sure even the tiniest spark of beauty she may have once possessed had been snuffed out by her misery. She didn't deserve love, she didn't deserve happiness, she deserved this misery, this void, this hole in herself she had knowingly caused.

But it could all be covered up with a smile and a few glittering hearts as she entered the store selling the materials she needed for the Lantern festival coming up in a day's time.


	2. Two devils on my shoulders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Depressive thoughts and mentions of suicide
> 
> This fan fiction is not meant to encourage or romanticize depression and the dark thoughts that come with it.

_Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick._

The second hand of the clock in her room moving every other moment, filling the silence of her room.

3:17 am the clock read. Well, it didn't matter anymore what time it was. The short skeleton had been awake, staring at her ceiling for hours now. She had managed to get back to her dorm somewhere around 11 and had attempted to sleep but, sleep would not come no matter how hard she tried.

Every time Clover closed her eye sockets, she would remember the haunted, empty look in Tray's eyes. 

' _He's hurting, but you don't care do you? All you could do was think about how you felt at that moment. You left him at his lowest, what a pathetic excuse of an empathetic soul you are. How can you even call yourself that anymore? You don't deserve the title, you don't deserve his forgiveness, you don't deserve any happiness.'_

Clover tried blocking the voices out with her pillow but it was no use, the voices were coming from her head, her conscience and the harder she tried to ignore them, the louder they got. She turned to sleep on her left side but was attacked by equally unfriendly voices.

_'You don't know that he wasn't acting, think about it. Why would anyone willingly choose you? There's nothing for them, you're just a burden. You were just a fool to believe otherwise and look at what's happened. Should have listened to us to start with.'_

Spoke the demons on her left. 

She had been tossing and turning the whole night, tormented no matter where she turned to before resigning herself to simply lay on her back and stare blankly at the ceiling of her room.

_'He's up there. Just a floor above. It's so close but so far away.'_ She thought, reaching out a hand towards the ceiling before pulling it back towards her. 

Did she really have any right to reach out at this point? The guilt of her mistake and the babbling in her mind slowly ate away at what little sanity she had been retaining.

_'You don't deserve him?_ **Aren't you mad he kissed someone else?** He looked so broken when you left. **You shouldn't trust him, or anyone again.** You'll be lonely forever. **Who needs friends like those anyways?** '  
  


Clover had been tempted to take a sledgehammer to her skull to stop the stream of contradictory but equally hurtful thoughts swirling around in her mind, threatening to drag her into the deepest pits of despair with a one way entrance and no exit. 

She hated this, hated feeling like this.

Her mind was so loud she didn't know what to do, what to believe. She couldn't even think a complete thought before another interjected it, how was she supposed to think at all?

_'You're too much of a broken mess to be any good to anybody. Just give up. No one would miss you if you were gone.'_

They're probably right, no one would miss me, why would they miss me? I'd just be lifting a burden from their shoulders.

The thought had crossed her mind before but she had not seriously thought about going through with the action. Not until now anyways. 

As the chaos in her mind got louder and louder, the crescendo of negativity increasing in volume with every passing second till it felt like her head was on the verge of popping it all suddenly stopped.

The stillness of the night replacing the voices as she slowly sat up from the bed, the ruffling of sheets were as loud as gunshots in the silence that blanketed her dorm. The moonlight poured in from the one window in her room, framing the small room with a serene look. The stars twinkled next to the moon, the flecks of white across the night sky seemed to be reaching out to her. Beckoning her to join their ranks.

And it was tempting. 

But, she couldn't do it. 

The look of relief when Tray had found her underneath the rubble of the school, not too far from death. The terror that radiated off of him at the thought of having to lose another friend. And, back at the hospital, he had kept her company when he didn't need to. Not to mention Glitch, who had just recently started to recover a bit with the news that his boyfriend was back from the dead. She didn't want to bring back that dark cloud over his head, not when it had just dissipated. And what about the sisters, Yinni and Stalker, who were already missing their sister Hani. She'd already seen how despondent Stalker had become when Hani was brought up and the panic attack it had sent Yinni into. 

The blame would be on her if they fell back into those states wouldn't it? She was sure that at that point she wouldn't be able to rest easy in the afterlife. 

_'I'll keep going for now, for them. For him. I'd never be able to live with myself if I did anything more to hurt them. Quite literally. I would be dead. Hah. When did my thoughts get so dark?'_


End file.
